Chris is Back with Another Guest Post

Greetings again everyone. I’m in the final throws of editing my book, and as such, I haven’t found time to write any new posts. However, I’m close to what I hope is a final product, which means I’ll return to blogging at regular intervals soon!

In the meantime, Chris Pascale threw me (another) solid and wrote (another) awesome guest post. This one chronicles his and his wife’s efforts to teach their kids useful life and financial lessons. All I managed to do was to add pictures and (somewhat) funny captions.

Chris is a true friend of the blog. As a result, this week I bestowed upon him the honorific title of Grumpus Christophorus. He’s definitely earned it between his help with my book, and his two guest posts. Since I gave him a big intro for his last guest post, I won’t cover old ground. However, Chris’s biography is at the end of this post, and I highly encourage everyone to check out some of his other work. — GM

Cut the Cord, Drop the Albatross

Our children need the tools to be self-sufficient in this world. To get them started, this means clothing, feeding, and teaching them. It also means letting them go.

Just as my anti-spending article began with a disclaimer that I’m not frugal, let me say that I’m far from a perfect parent. But, my wife and I have done a few things right. It begins with basic life skills. This article will touch on some simple things, which many kids don’t know how to do. The worst part is that when you neglect to teach them, they grow into 18-year-olds with no clue about how to carry themselves in the world. This is tragic, and doubly so because while it’s our fault, it’s their burden.

However, this is not an advice piece. Instead, I’m going to tell you some things I’ve done, and am doing as a parent. If you have anything to add, please do so in the comments.

Saying Thank You, in Writing

There’s an art to writing letters and sending good mail. In fact, How to Win Friends and Influence People has a whole chapter devoted to it. I’ve used those skills in my personal and professional benefit numerous times. For example, this month I was invited to speak as an Alumnus in Residence at Stony Brook University. Three people spent their Thursday night working extra hours so I could speak about writing, try to sell some books, and act like a local big shot. The least I could do was say thank you, and I did so with a short note of gratitude.

After Christmas, my wife and I make our kids send cards, write notes, or draw pictures to those who gave them gifts. This exercise is a good lesson in the expression of gratitude. It also forces the kids to write their home address enough times that it sticks in their mind. This is a good lesson for a small child, because if they get lost, they may need to tell someone where they live.

Putting Out the Mail

It sounds trite, but my kids handle mail. Not all the time, but maybe a couple times a year. They put outgoing mail in the box outside our house and stand the flag up; they put it in the big blue box on the street, and they’ll stand in line in the Post Office during business hours.

The latter is important because I don’t want my someday-19-year-olds not knowing how to do business at the Post Office. Conversely, I want it lodged in their heads that if they go to a nice party, or receive a lovely gift, that they should take a minute to send a short note of gratitude.

When I lived a block over from a post office, this was ideal, because I’d save the mail up over the course of the week so my oldest two could make the trip. The third time they did this, they did not return, and I began to worry/hurry down the street where I found them having lunch at a sandwich shop. Not long after, they were going out for full afternoons, and they loved it.

Banking & Making Purchases

All of my daughters – 7 to 17 – have their own bank accounts. As such, when they make deposits, they do it on their own. I sit to the side and wait. Afterward, I’ll let them know if there is something they need to fix. For example, don’t leave the counter until you’re fully settled, meaning don’t fumble with your money while walking away. Even if there are 20 people behind you, that’s not your problem; you should take all the time you need to conduct your business.

This happens more with purchases. The kids will leave a cash register counter while figuring out their money and picking up their things. I remind them to stay at the counter until all change is counted, put away, and situated.

I also watch how they talk to people when doing business. For example, one of my daughters is extremely deferent when out in public. The result is that she seems unsure of herself. Nothing could be further from the truth. She’s a capable person and even lived in Australia as an exchange student during her 10th-grade year. I was surprised to see this, so I told her that the way she carries herself signals to others that they can take advantage of her. Her demeanor makes her seem lost and confused, which she rarely is; rather, she’s just defaulting to politeness.

Grocery Shopping

Going into the store alone is something else we make our kids do. Kids grow into future shoppers, who go into stores for the rest of their lives. For this reason, starting in elementary school, my wife drives to the grocery store, gives them money, and says ‘go get a gallon of milk.’ Not all the time, but maybe a couple times a year.

The first time she does it, the kids are confused and say so.

“Go get a gallon of milk,” she repeats.

They don’t know how.

“Just find the milk, get it, buy it, and come back.”

They don’t want to, and who can blame them? Grocery stores are huge, and everyone is a grownup. But they have to.

“Can I buy candy?” they always ask.

“If you can find it.”

Without fail, they get the milk, several pieces of candy, and report over the sound of wrappers crinkling that the whole thing was nerve-wracking but worth it.

Pumping Gas & Knowing about Cars

This past weekend, I was driving with my 13-year-old and pulled into a station.

“Do you want to pay for the gas, or pump it?” I asked.

She opted for both, and I was proud to hear it. When I was 17, I had a license, but upon pulling into a gas station, realized I didn’t know how to put fuel in the tank. No one had ever shown me, and there was no YouTube from which to learn.

As such, beginning in elementary school, my kids pump gas and do business at the station. They also add oil, coolant, and washer fluid, but not without first popping the hood and opening it. When a tire goes flat, they help. This is crucial, because my first flat happened when I was 19 in Pennsylvania, and I was sitting in a parking lot, clueless until a Good Samaritan arrived. That guy is the reason I know how to change a tire.

People drive for decades, but how many are on the roads that don’t even know how to jump their own vehicle, much less own a good set of cables, or a booster pack?

Work

My oldest got her first job (and Roth IRA) at 15. At 17, she’s in her second job and has begun applying for her third.

My second daughter will soon be old enough to work and is eager to start saving. She wants to go to France as an exchange student, but mostly, her desires center on the options that money offers.

Having money is only part of it though. They should also know the value of being generous, and the cost of living in the world.

Giving

In 2009, my two daughters and I took a trip to the local women’s shelter. We went because they’d received some money as a gift, and had discussed giving some of it away. They each set aside some money (I think it was $19.00 total), and we went to the shelter. While there, I asked the woman at the front counter to explain why they needed money. She did and then said that if they’d like, the kids could give her the funds.

My oldest daughter was wary of giving money to the lady with a job and nice clothes and said she wanted to give it to the woman standing behind us, who was there with five children. The shelter employee said that would be okay. My daughter handed her the cash, they hugged, and my other daughter gave her the money she’d brought too. For those who don’t know, women in this kind of situation find themselves cashless, so receiving $19.00 was a big deal for this mom.

Leaving the shelter, my oldest was so happy, because she felt like she made a difference.

More recently, I was talking to my youngest about giving, and she decided she wanted to give to a hospital that helped children. A quick search online suddenly reminded us of the hospital where she was once a patient! After an email to her doctor, we were connected to the head of fundraising. Coordinating our schedules, three of my daughters and I made the hour-long drive at the end of which they gave a combined $171.00 to the hospital. As a reward, we got a sweet swag bag with a hat that my youngest wore for the rest of the week. We also got an exclusive sneak peek at a special wing that was not yet open to the public.

Maybe Paying a Bill

I have yet to make my kids pay a bill because my wife isn’t on board with it. But, I think they should pay something at least once. Not only is it good to know how to pay a bill before racking one up, but they should contribute to the home where they live if only in a small way one time.

Prior to my wife nixing the idea, I was in discussions with my oldest about paying the $40.00 water bill. I was surprised by her reaction to the idea. As we talked about it, she couldn’t put it to words, but just felt that she shouldn’t have to, which is completely true … at least until she’s 18.

Appropriate Consequences

Beyond these skills, kids need to know that there are costs to certain behaviors. For example, starting when they were little, when my kids wanted something in a store, I wouldn’t say “No.” Instead, I’d ask, “did you bring your money?” At first, it bothered them that I wouldn’t buy whatever they wanted. But, after a couple of times, they were disappointed in themselves, because they knew better! Not long after, they’d start leaving the house with money, and so they could buy something.

Now, this gets iffy, because with no bills, kids get (relatively) rich fast. I regularly tell my youngest not to leave the house with so much in her coin purse – and often limit her to $10, plus change. But the kids have bailed us, and each other, out on more than one occasion.

Helping Us Out

In 2017, my wife was on a trip with the girls. While driving back, our van’s fuel pump died. Hailing an Uber didn’t work because they were too far away from available cars. She called a taxi, but the cab driver said she would only come for $60.00, cash. My wife agreed, knowing it was the only ride short of calling a second tow truck to act as a taxi.

She asked the girls, “How much money do you have?”. A little hand went into a little coin purse, emerging with a roll of varied bills, tied up in a rubber band, as though delivered by Hector Salamanca.

What’s nice about asking “did you bring your money” instead of saying “no, I’m not buying that”, is that it changes the conversation. We get to talk with them about money – not only having it but using it to make wise purchases. They think of themselves, not their parents, as the buyer of their own things. Thus, when I ask them if they want something extra from the grocery store or some other shop, they’re pleasantly surprised and appreciate it. This is more than I can say for myself at their age.

More recently, I was dropping my oldest off at work. She’d forgotten to bring money or pack a lunch. I looked to her sisters, and two $5.00 bills were passed forth. It was nice.

We’re Not Perfect Parents with Perfect Children

My opinion is that you can do everything right with your kids, but ultimately they’re going to be whoever they are going to be. However, they don’t have to be that person and not know how to stand in line at a post office.

It’s not about teaching them to be their best selves, so much as them learning to navigate their world in a helpful manner. If they’re invited to a fancy party, or receive a thoughtful gift, their default should be to send a thank you card/note. They also need their own money for their own safety. Speaking of safety, they should know how to jump a dead battery, change a flat tire, and especially how to pump gas.

Lastly, giving is good for them. It’s optional, but that’s the point. They should consider the work they put toward what they earn, and then decide the right amount to give to another in need, or a worthy charitable organization. I hope this ends in children who turn into responsible adults, but the results aren’t in yet.

Christopher Pascale is an author, accountant, and professor from Long Island. His first book War Poems: A Marine’s Tour 2003-2008 can be found at your local library, or purchased at Barnes & Noble, Amazon or Books-A-Million. His next book is scheduled for release later this year