Who Are You? Who – Who? Who – Who?

Hello, I am Grumpus Maximus. Father, husband, student, blogger, author, horticulture hobbyist, and retired U.S. military officer.

Wait … What?

No, that’s not my given name. My parents were far too responsible to name me after the love child of a cartoon character and a Roman Emperor. Besides, they had no way of knowing the little bundle of joy they swaddled in their arms on the day of my birth would turn into the Fun Sponge who types before you today.

Grumpus Maximus is my nom de guerre. If you ever meet me in person, you’ll immediately know why. Now, you may be thinking, “Why does a personal finance blogger need a nom de guerre?” That’s a great question, and here’s my answer: I use a nom de guerre to deconflict my personal and public life. Some of the issues I write about, like my money troubles and mental health, are extremely personal.

At the same time, I want to be candid with my audience. Numerous readers have commented that they enjoy my honesty, especially about pensionable career fields, personal finance, and mental health. In other words, I write about what many a pensionable worker dare not utter around their work companions. The only way I can deliver that level of honesty is through a nom de guerre. You’ll understand if you choose to read onward or downward, as the case may be.

Fun Sponge

Of course, none of the above explains why I chose Grumpus Maximus as my nom de guerre. The truth is, I didn’t. My wife and kid brother did. After a deployment in 2008, they anointed me as GM. I guess I wasn’t too happy at the time. I can’t imagine why. I was 12 months into a 24-month assignment that saw me deployed or away from home on training for 15 months over that stretch.

In any case, the name stuck, mostly because I love sucking the marrow out of life. One thing that makes me incredibly grumpy is spending money. That’s a good trait for a person obsessed with Financial Independence (FI). To anyone, like my mother-in-law, who cheekily tells me that “you can’t take it with you,” I typically retort, “what if you could, and more importantly, what if you need it?” After all, the boatman required two silver coins to cross the river Styx, right? However, I digress.

OK, Fine, This is REALLY Who I Am

I’m a 40-something retired U.S. military officer. I served for 20 years, during which I spent over four years either deployed or stationed in the Middle East and another three years stationed in Europe. I have three camp followers: Grumpus Minimus #1 and #2 (collectively called Grumpus Minimi — pronounced mi-nee-my) and the love of my life, Mrs. Grumpus. She might also be the love that ends my life if I poke too much fun at her in this blog. Together, we make a lovely, or at least a loud, Grumpus Familias.

My family and I retired to Nelson, New Zealand, in late January 2020, where I enrolled in a master’s program at the local university. If you’ve never visited New Zealand, you really should. It’s a great place to holiday or live.

The master’s program was our visa pathway into the country, which I financed through savvy use of the GI Bill. In all transparency, though, the pressure of a master’s program was not my first choice for my immediate post-military career. But all the pressure paid off in April 2024 when we finally gained residence. As a result, we’re living in a great country at a sustainable spending level thanks to Uncle Sam’s pension, VA disability, and the income my wife and I make from part-time work. So, despite my moniker, I’m not complaining.

No Qualifications Whatsoever

Some other things you might want to know about me: I have two degrees in the liberal arts and one business degree. That said, I’m not a certified economist, accountant, or financial planner. What I’ve become over the years is an expert in tracking my money. Even for the short 18-month period that I used a “Wealth Manager,” I never stopped tracking what was happening with my family’s money. For better or worse, I’m also a (nearly) lifelong DIY investor. It’s provided me with many hard-learned lessons.

Finally, I’m 10 years into a personal finance educational journey. I’ve read over three dozen books, consumed innumerable blog posts, and listened to thousands of hours of financial podcasts. I put more effort into this one issue than I ever did for any of my degrees. It’s no wonder that I was able to write a book on pensions as a result.

The Breakdown

One other thing you might want to know about me is that unbeknownst to most of my colleagues and peers, in the spring of 2016, I suffered a mental breakdown. I was diagnosed with mixed depressive-anxiety disorder linked to post-traumatic stress. Those symptoms extended from several specific events in my career. My career was (and still is) the cause of my depression and anxiety.

At 17 years of service, I realized I no longer enjoyed the military. That’s putting it mildly. Somewhere after my 11-year mark, it changed from my calling in life into … just a job … albeit an extremely demanding one.

By 2016, I wanted to resign my commission. However, if you know anything about U.S. military pensions for personnel who joined in the late 1990s, it’s an all-or-nothing defined benefit pension cliff vested at no less than 20 years of service (assuming you are not medically retired). I determined that I’d worked too hard and sacrificed too much to walk away from over a million dollars’ worth of retirement pay (assuming I lived an average length of life). Thus, I felt like I was trapped until my 20 years were up.

The Golden Albatross

What could I do? It felt like a Golden Albatross was hanging around my neck, and I couldn’t make it another day, let alone three more years in the military. But, it also felt like I couldn’t simply quit, forgo all those retirement benefits, and start a new career with two kids and a wife depending on me. I decided I was going to have to tough it out to at least 20 years.

But then what? I assumed the pay from a 20-year pension would not be enough to cover my retirement expenses. Therefore, I thought that I’d have to start a second career (ideally as far away from the military as possible).

What would that career be, though? Was it realistic to expect that I could start an entirely different career in my mid-40s? This post-military career-linked anxiety helped to drive me crazy. It led to a Mid-Life Crisis (MLC) centered on the question of what I would do if/when I chose to leave the military.

“It’s Merely a Flesh Wound”

Wow. Seeing all of this in words makes it sound insurmountable. It wasn’t. I’m thankful I didn’t punch any work colleagues, cheat on my wife, or buy a red sports car. And, while I didn’t drink myself into stupors, stop showing up for work, or contemplate suicide, I was depressed and angry. Worse, it started to impact my family. Ultimately, this led me to seek help.

Thanks to therapy, medication, hard work, and a lot of introspection, I’m able to stay on top of my depression these days. However, my anxiety-fueled MLC required a unique solution. I found the answer, or more accurately, I stumbled across the answer to the MLC during the first two years of my financial literacy journey mentioned above. When I realized its implications, this answer solved much of my anxiety and MLC almost overnight.

The Answer to All of My Problems

So, what was the answer, you ask? Simple. Financial Independence (FI). Through my studies, I realized these three things:

1. My pension would cover a lot, but not all, of my post-retirement spending
2. Between 2016 and my projected military retirement point, I could accumulate enough wealth in my investments to cover the gap between my projected retirement expenses and pension.
3. As a result, I would never have to “work” another job again … if I so chose. In other words, I could reach FI by my military retirement point.

I cannot describe the feeling of relief that realization provided me. It was and remains a powerful piece of knowledge.

Pensions

How did I plan to accumulate enough wealth in only four years to overcome the need to work again? Even with the generous benefits provided by the military, it’s not like I made a bankload. It is a fair question, and a high savings rate is the answer. Back in the 1950s through the 1970s, a person could work a job for 20 – 30 years, not save a penny, and still expect to live comfortably off their Defined Benefit Pension.

However, pensions of any sort in the U.S. are a rare thing these days. They’re typically reserved for government jobs at the local, state, and federal level; the ever-decreasing number of blue-collar union jobs; significant sports leagues; and large bureaucratic international organizations like the UN or International Monetary Fund. Other than sports stars, I don’t think anyone could start saving only three years before their pension point and find themselves in a financial state to retire — no matter how good their pension. Indeed, I couldn’t have done it.

An Unintentional Path to FI

Fortunately, my family was already on a path to FI without any real intent. I was always a good saver when single. When Mrs Grumpus and I married, we became good savers together—although not without difficulty. We also proved to be mediocre investors, which, as I explained in several posts, helped. We got financially lucky at a few points along the way, too, which didn’t hurt.

That isn’t to say we didn’t make financial mistakes because we’ve made plenty—which I also share on this blog. That said, the three years between my mental breakdown and retirement were all that we needed to put us over the top savings-wise if we chose to make the sacrifice and effort. However, the savings only worked in conjunction with the pension. The key to all of this is the Defined Benefit Pension provided by the military.

A Good Plan Executed Today …

After I realized all of this, it only took me a few weeks to write a financial plan. I built my plan using the benefits of my pension as the base upon which my family’s future economic stability (and my sanity) would rest. I also tested it using a high-power retirement calculator, which gave me confidence that my plan was going to work.

It’s important to note that I didn’t merely dream about FI; I wrote a plan and thoroughly stress-tested it. My plan wasn’t static, either. It changed several times over my last years in the military, including the switch from California to New Zealand as our final destination. I continue to update it today as things change in our New Zealand life as well.

Ultimately, when I retired from the military in 2019, I achieved the goal of FI and the dream of never needing to work a real job again, all while providing a great life for my family. This knowledge gives me the peace of mind I need to function today as the visa provider for our family in New Zealand.

“Don’t Just Sit There, Deploy the Garrison!”

With all that said, I don’t want to appear like I’m bragging or resting on my laurels. The fact of the matter is I want to share this powerful personal finance insight with as many people as I can. I want to bring as many of you, readers, on the newest part of my family’s primarily unintentional path to FI. And I don’t mean just other military members, either. Anyone who works in a pensionable career field and feels like they, too, have a Golden Albatross around their neck could benefit from reading this blog. If you’re eligible for a defined benefit pension, and you have decided to stay for that pension, you could readily implement your own plan to achieve FI. My family’s path is not only replicable but easily built upon and improved.

With that, I welcome you to the Golden Albatross Blog. Please enjoy, participate, and provide feedback. There is always more to learn, and together, we can help each other.

— GM